Life is Good

It has been a year and two months since my last post.

Life has stabilized. It is life, again. I didn’t mean to stop blogging, but I guess I no longer needed it, I felt strong enough to go without it.

Life is actually good, it is life. It is bad, lonely, hard, exhausting — but also good, exciting, joyful. Not sure if tomorrow will be lonely or joyful, hard or easy — but I am sure I will be here to find. Thanks for all the kind words on my journey.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 50mg, Lamictal 200mg, Trazodone 100mg (night)


Life is Good

Why mornings suck

Struggling. Overwhelmed.

You need to get that done. And that. And that. Oh god, and that.


So much. Always behind. Never enough.

three hours later

Nuvigil fades in, it fades away.


Relief. Delayed, but relief.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 50mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg


Why mornings suck

You should beg for more drugs.

native americans in car

Maybe I shouldn’t send this email.

Medication isn’t ever going to be a reliable solution. I know. I must overcome this all on my own.

The last two days I have struggled with persistent suicidal thoughts, casual, “God, you should kill yourself.” All my job interviews have been schedule in the morning, I push myself, I put on this fake character and am okay. It is draining.

Nuvigil helps. But even as my mind clears, I still am a bit scared after a rough morning that the thoughts will come back. And if I worry about having more suicidal thoughts, I have more suicidal thoughts.

Is Vyvanse a perfect solution, obviously not. There is risk of me depending on it for happiness, of not expecting myself to generate my own. There is risk of abuse. Yet, it would be a tool against this suffering.

You know my history, I mean I placed a razor blade to my wrist at thirteen, I begged god to give me the strength to do it. I only made a pathetic little scratch, I then had to hide it from my parents.

Vyvanse might be a tool to help me fight this.

I trust your judgement. Odd saying that, because sending this email questions what we just discussed. But I do.

I guess I am writing this right now to avoid the dwelling. I’ve been wondering around the school, talking to students, distracting myself. Now it is my lunch, I am sitting on the floor, hiding behind my desk, typing this email. It makes me feel like I am at least trying to do something to stop this. I don’t accept it. I never will. But I fucking hate hiding behind my desk crying at work.

I’d tell you to ask Dan if he trusts me. But I don’t what him to know how bad my mornings are. But I trust me. And I am honest.

Although, maybe I will endlessly chase medications to solve my problems. But I don’t know, maybe I am doing this because medication has yet to do what it can for me. Maybe it still can help empower me to live a more normal life.

I won’t send this now, it is noon. Hopefully I decide not to. But we shall see.

I am so sorry as always. It just sucks.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 50mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

You should beg for more drugs.

Am I a prescription drug addict?

fwum32ua0qsyAlarm. Awake. Pills.


Mornings are a period were I disappear into my thoughts. Being present is always easier. My thoughts aren’t always toxic, some mornings are fine. But often, given a few hours in my head, I find a reason to hate myself.

Two hours later my savior arrives. As stimulants get pumped through my system my mind calms. It clears. Freedom.

This is every day. I take Nuvigil and when I wake up and wait for it to kick in and make my day easier. However, it fades in and out throughout the day. Four hours into my dose I start to disappear back into my head. An hour or two after that I am feel present again.

My day always ends smoothly. It feels like there is enough Nuvigil in my system that from about five on I am feeling good. More present, doing more, more alive.

Without Nuvigil’s push I am not dead. I am not even always struggling or awful, but I am a bit tired. And seem to be on the edge of down.

Having stopped abusing Adderall fourteen months ago, I can see a similar, although much less extreme cycle of ups and downs on Nuvigil.

My psychiatrist suggested this seems like addiction. That given some time, going off this medication and staying away from all stimulants might present the greatest chance of long-term success. This scares me. I am better now then I have been in years, even with the struggles.

My mind scrambles to come up with other solutions, a sign of addiction. Maybe if I split the pill and take the halves an hour apart, it would be more effective. I used to do that. Maybe this is desperation. I don’t know.

Am I addicted? Should I risk the happiness I have now to see if more happiness is possible?

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg


Am I a prescription drug addict?

Avoid the gym

RciZDH0Guess I’ll do a quick update.

I’ve been posting less lately, meaning I am doing alright. If I am not that motivated to post I probably haven’t had in several low points, because when those occur I often want to vent them on here.

We dropped my Seroquel XR by 50mg. I do think that is helping. My mornings are easier, but my body still waits for Nuvigil to kick in before feeling present. By mid afternoon enough Nuvigil has built up for me to almost always have a smooth evening.

So progress. It is odd, mental health. How healthy will I be? When will I know I have reach whatever it is I am reaching for. Oh, right. Mental health is life long, you never reach normal. No on does. Ha.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 100mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg


Avoid the gym

Why you do not try, fix it.

gmYmTVm.pngI hammered this out today during one of my low points. Yeah.

I am not sure what state I will be in by the time of my appointment today. I guess I am writing this to make sure I explain where I often find myself.

I’m not present. It is impossible to be present. For the last hour I have literally just sat, doing nothing. Talking as little as possible. I still went to eat lunch with coworkers, I was silent. I am now sitting in sixth period totally withdrawn. My head, I don’t know how to fully explain.

I’m just so down. So overwhelmed with everything, anything. Getting up, seems impossible. Talking, impossible. Engaging in anything, impossible. It took some effort for me to even do this, the only reason I can accomplish this is because I focus on the only thing I can, i empty nothingness I feel. That fact that this life is fucking worthless. That I am so fucking broken I can’t manage to even function for chunks of my day. The fact that deep down I have never viewed suicide as freighting, it would be liberation from this. From the prison of my head, escape from this overwhelming sadness.

There is no fighting it. Jesus Christ, I try. I really do. Like I FUCKING TRY SO FUCKING MUCH. My therapeutic tools help. They help me understand that this isn’t permanent. It doesn’t last. Even though during it I am always scared. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it continues all day. Sometimes I have to fight my desire to go home and just start fucking drinking. I do. I don’t drink until at least 9, ever. I guess that is a win.

I am so much better then I have been. I know this, even now. Yet, this is still suffering. Dan won’t marry me. We have been engaged for almost two years, I just asked him again last week. He says he wants to wait until I fully recover, until I am fully a person. Until being enthusiastic about things isn’t such a rarity, that being said I do get enthusiastic, I do.

I am not trying to deceive you when I say it is always tied to Nuvigil. It is, I can feel its release so acutely. I feel it drop, increase, fade in and out. Taking less seroquel helps, but it might not permanent. Usually a few days, two or three on less seroquel are better to good days. But then it seems to lessen. So maybe it will only work short term, but i will try anything.

My evening are almost always good, as the concentration builds I am liberated from my mind, I exist in the world.

Is this caused by a continued dependence on stimulants? I dont know. Really. Maybe I wouldnt only be functional while medicated if my body didn’t learn to expect it.

But that scares me. By in large crashing is gone. It is unreal to say that, crashing has been a part of my life since at least 12. I would  be rended much like I feel now, non- functional, overwhelmed, useless for a few hours or days. The self hatred and suicidal ideation was often severe. Now I experience only pockets of that hell, but on a daily basis. It is less intense, certainly, but still present.

I wish you could feel this. That is evil to say, but I think you would be more motivated to make larger changes. I know we both have my best interest at heart. I am scared of vyvanse. I am worried that it will only mask part of these feelings. It will only help for chunks of the day. But if it could ease me into my day. Or if there is another medication, possibly. I just.

Medication gives me a significantly better quality of life for chunks of my day. It is so wonderful. There must be a way to expand that. God, the life I would live if I didn’t find hours of a day to torture myself. If you are interested in nuvigil, I would certainly say we should 20 or 15 pills. And again, I know this is a scary option. I won’t abuse it. I wish they had 5 mg pills. If I attempt to turn this into an endless quest of seeking more and more stimulants you can stop that.

I would want to cut back, I know the hell that leads to. Also, I would want you to talk with my psych when I move. I would of course compensate you for your time. But you can make them fully aware of my weaknesses. Also, if they wanted to ask you questions after initial contact, I would be fine always compensating you for your time. I know you have my health at heart, I am grateful for that.

It is fading now. Really. Otherwise I would write forever, because it is all I can think about. But my mind is clearing, thank god. I am actually doing some of my job. Not desperately trying to do nothing while looking somewhat busy. Alright done, I guess. My appointment is just 90 minutes from now. I am hopeful. Ha, I must be really leaving this mood behind.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Why you do not try, fix it.

Die you fat fuck

elephant hungI just weighed myself. I gained four pounds. I have been thinking my entire life.

A year ago, when I started facing my mental illness and taking all these fucking medications I began to rapidly gain weight, forty pounds in six months.

I’m eating less, monitoring calories and I still can’t lose. I lost ten pounds in the first few weeks of dieting, now it hasn’t changed

I fucking hate my fat fucking disgusting fucking body. I do not understand how people lack the willpower to stop fucking eating. I do not understand feeling comfortable in public being overweight. I rather not advertise that as an adult human I have less control over myself than a dog.

I fucking hate my fat fucking fucking body. I can’t believe I still am not losing this. Fuck. You fucking disgusting fat fuck. Fuck. I fucking hate you. Stop fucking eating. Jesus fucking Christ.

Fuck. Fuck. I fucking hate you. You should fucking blow your brains out if you can’t even lose a bit of weight. Jesus. Fuck. Die. Fuck.

Die you fat fuck

Stimulants Cure Depression


I’ll keep this short. Sorry for always taking so much of your time.

My mornings are always rough, sometimes it lasts, sometimes it does. By early evening I am always fine, often after 10:00am I am fine. Today has been rough, but I think I am doing okay now. But i don’t know, i usually don’t worry about my mood when i feel like i am doing good.

Medication isn’t going to fix everything, maybe it has done all it can. But every single day I start off with 100lbs weight around my neck. Everything is more difficult. I am more absent, in my head, it seems like I have to force myself to do anything.

Dan and I are moving to a new state, a new life in just a few months. I am better than I have ever been, but I hope medication can do just a pinch more. I guess the move has me scared about all this. I dont know when I’ll find a doctor and if they will be as competition as you.

Vyvanse does worry me, but starting every single day of the rest of my life like this also scares me. I just read that Nuvigil takes a few hours to get into your system, but Provigil, not being extended release seems to have an impact sooner. Maybe that is worth looking into. Or maybe a very small responsible amount of Vyvanse.

This is long again. I am sorry. I am trying. Thank you for everything. Sorry about the email last week, when down it is extremely hard to actually talk to someone, to socialize in any form.

Sorry, this isn’t short. I’ll see you in a week. Sorry for taking more of your time.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg

Stimulants Cure Depression

Ignore your psychiatrist

e2u9frzh50qyI’m not following my doctor’s advice. I’ve been messing with my Seroquel dose, trying to make my mornings easier.

Every morning is difficult, before the Nuvigil kicks in. Facing my depressed self every morning drains me — scares me. After several difficult days I sent my psychiatrist the email and my doctor’s response are below.


I’m not always taking Seroquel as asked. I’m sorry.

I’ve had some really bad days. It is still the morning, but they can be bad enough to drag through the evening.

Almost always I feel different around 4 or 5pm. I assume it is Nuvigil build up. Usually around two hours into the dose I feel a little help, and then dips around lunch. But in evenings, I’m always fine, if not possibly good.

Maybe that is some dependency I’ve developed to stimulants. But I went totally off stimulants for three months and have been on minimal since then. I honestly wonder if I have a low rate of dopamine. I have strategies for focusing on the positive, for clearing my head, for being in the moment, but the low mood, almost a haze, doesn’t respond. It just sits there with me, dragging along.

I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I wouldn’t say I want to die, but I am honestly worried about tomorrow. It sucks.

I’ve been taking half a Seroquel pill on some evenings, still taking full dose at least half the time. It doesn’t seem to be helping. But I don’t know what to do. God. This is whiney. Things are better then they have ever been. I’m grateful to be where I am. And I am grateful that Dan can see me at the better place I am by the evenings.

I don’t know. I might try skipping a day of Seroquel. I know I am not supposed to do this with my meds. But I want to do something.

I wonder if I could start my day with a 10 Vyvanse. I know you’ll hate that. And worry I will want to just increase it constantly, an endless desire for more. However, I can say with complete honestly, there is little risk of abuse by me at this point, and I will always be honest with Dan and you.

I guess you can explain to me why you don’t like this on our next appointment. I can push back and leave slightly disappointed. I don’t know.

But something isnt there yet and I do wonder about dopamine. Again, I had my first suicidal thoughts in third grade. It seems likely that that whatever drives this is very entrenched.

I don’t know. I don’t know.

Sorry for consuming even more of your time. Sorry.

Hello, it’s Doctor Rose (false name).

It’s really important, emails really are primarily for making schedule changes appointment changes for refill request. Medication changes should be discussed in person, but at least over the phone.  So in the future call, not email about these important matters.

You should take your medications as prescribed, it is very important for your treatment. We can discuss changes, but it is difficult for me to fully understand a situation if you make adjustments to your treatment without consulting me.

Please take all medications as prescribed. We can discuss any changes at your next appointment in two weeks. At that time we can both evaluate were you are at and how to move forward. Please don’t make any changes. If you want to talk more about this give me a call back.

Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg




Ignore your psychiatrist

Coddle that self-hatred, hold it dear

Venting. So much venting. Fuck this day. Kill me. Fucking die. I don’t want to do this fucking life.

My existence isn’t only whining. I often turn to this blog as an outlet. Ocassionaly, I rip myself apart. This has been a place I can acknowledge those thoughts.

However, I have good days. Today is one of them. Nothing spectacular. Got up, went to a bakery and ran several miles. Helped my sister with a technology issue. Took a solid nap. Picked out a few new plants for my garden and replaced a broken electrical outlet.

I am off to a friends birthday party, it should be a good time. These days are also happening more often. But always lurking the self-hatred I built and coddled for so many years.

Oh well, today I don’t need to confront it.


Coddle that self-hatred, hold it dear