I hammered this out today during one of my low points. Yeah.
I am not sure what state I will be in by the time of my appointment today. I guess I am writing this to make sure I explain where I often find myself.
I’m not present. It is impossible to be present. For the last hour I have literally just sat, doing nothing. Talking as little as possible. I still went to eat lunch with coworkers, I was silent. I am now sitting in sixth period totally withdrawn. My head, I don’t know how to fully explain.
I’m just so down. So overwhelmed with everything, anything. Getting up, seems impossible. Talking, impossible. Engaging in anything, impossible. It took some effort for me to even do this, the only reason I can accomplish this is because I focus on the only thing I can, i empty nothingness I feel. That fact that this life is fucking worthless. That I am so fucking broken I can’t manage to even function for chunks of my day. The fact that deep down I have never viewed suicide as freighting, it would be liberation from this. From the prison of my head, escape from this overwhelming sadness.
There is no fighting it. Jesus Christ, I try. I really do. Like I FUCKING TRY SO FUCKING MUCH. My therapeutic tools help. They help me understand that this isn’t permanent. It doesn’t last. Even though during it I am always scared. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it continues all day. Sometimes I have to fight my desire to go home and just start fucking drinking. I do. I don’t drink until at least 9, ever. I guess that is a win.
I am so much better then I have been. I know this, even now. Yet, this is still suffering. Dan won’t marry me. We have been engaged for almost two years, I just asked him again last week. He says he wants to wait until I fully recover, until I am fully a person. Until being enthusiastic about things isn’t such a rarity, that being said I do get enthusiastic, I do.
I am not trying to deceive you when I say it is always tied to Nuvigil. It is, I can feel its release so acutely. I feel it drop, increase, fade in and out. Taking less seroquel helps, but it might not permanent. Usually a few days, two or three on less seroquel are better to good days. But then it seems to lessen. So maybe it will only work short term, but i will try anything.
My evening are almost always good, as the concentration builds I am liberated from my mind, I exist in the world.
Is this caused by a continued dependence on stimulants? I dont know. Really. Maybe I wouldnt only be functional while medicated if my body didn’t learn to expect it.
But that scares me. By in large crashing is gone. It is unreal to say that, crashing has been a part of my life since at least 12. I would be rended much like I feel now, non- functional, overwhelmed, useless for a few hours or days. The self hatred and suicidal ideation was often severe. Now I experience only pockets of that hell, but on a daily basis. It is less intense, certainly, but still present.
I wish you could feel this. That is evil to say, but I think you would be more motivated to make larger changes. I know we both have my best interest at heart. I am scared of vyvanse. I am worried that it will only mask part of these feelings. It will only help for chunks of the day. But if it could ease me into my day. Or if there is another medication, possibly. I just.
Medication gives me a significantly better quality of life for chunks of my day. It is so wonderful. There must be a way to expand that. God, the life I would live if I didn’t find hours of a day to torture myself. If you are interested in nuvigil, I would certainly say we should 20 or 15 pills. And again, I know this is a scary option. I won’t abuse it. I wish they had 5 mg pills. If I attempt to turn this into an endless quest of seeking more and more stimulants you can stop that.
I would want to cut back, I know the hell that leads to. Also, I would want you to talk with my psych when I move. I would of course compensate you for your time. But you can make them fully aware of my weaknesses. Also, if they wanted to ask you questions after initial contact, I would be fine always compensating you for your time. I know you have my health at heart, I am grateful for that.
It is fading now. Really. Otherwise I would write forever, because it is all I can think about. But my mind is clearing, thank god. I am actually doing some of my job. Not desperately trying to do nothing while looking somewhat busy. Alright done, I guess. My appointment is just 90 minutes from now. I am hopeful. Ha, I must be really leaving this mood behind.
Current Medication: Nuvigil 250mg, Seroquel XR 150mg, Strattera 100mg, Pristiq 100mg, Memantine 10mg, Lamictal 200mg